Some time ago I made the statement that ‘a single mother cannot raise a boy to be a man’ to a group of @Africanindiaspo brothers and sisters and typically as well as understandably got some serious backlash for it. One of the people who sharply disagreed with me was a lady who was and still is a great (single) mother of four children. 'My children are turning out alright', she said, 'I don't need to be with their father for me to raise my sons', she added. Another brother who had an absent father, like many typical African children, also chimed in and added that although he had been pretty much raised by his mother he had turned out okay, thus implying that my statement/conviction was as redundant as UK call centre employees.
I was not (in any way, shape or form) trying to insinuate that single/widowed mothers are intellectually incompetent individuals when it comes to the task of raising male children. Neither was I trying to implicate that the only suitable conditions in which a young boy can become a man are when his parents are happily married or living together. Although that would be ideal for producing stable citizens of tomorrow, it is an unrealistic feat in today's society in which children proudly born out of wedlock and one in which women hold divorce parties. What I was trying to communicate instead was that in the event that a mother has sole custody of her male child following the death of her husband/partner, divorce or a night of passion with a stranger, etc. she needs to ensure her son has a manly male role model who will be an authority over him, disciplining and teaching him how to be a man. Failure to do so will lead to the upbringing of an effeminate, intemperate and indecisive mummy’s boy. Whilst the father of that child is always the best person to be tasked with this responsibility, in my opinion, if he has passed or is disinterested in being involved with his son then a trustworthy/dependable and willing uncle/grandfather is always a good substitute.
Why do I feel this way? Well I could attribute that to my upbringing and the traits I have witnessed amongst the many families and friends I have been acquainted with in my short time on earth. Growing up my father only beat me once whilst my mother, on the other hand, seemed to have a keen interest to make up for him not doing so. However, as much as she did not spare the rod, my father is the one I feared (even as a child) and whenever my mother wanted me to behave all that she had to say was 'I am going to tell Dhedhi (daddy)'. Just the mention of my father would bring any nuisance behaviour to an abrupt end as I understood that this man who loved me as his own could easily kill me. It must have been the depth of his voice or his soberness that made me fear him the most, I don’t know but as they say ‘still waters run deep’. Anyway as I grew older the belt and shamhu (twig) as well as many other weapons of choice employed by mother to correct me stopped to hurt me to the point that I began to even laugh whenever my mother disciplined me. All the while whilst the fear of my father remained. This is not something I was taught to be and yet many of my male friends developed in the very same way.
Whilst this fear/respect of authority as a child seems harsh/abusive to the hippie children of today I believe it was beneficial in my life at ensuring that I lived according to the rules of our home. This in turn has made me a good citizen of society as it is has been easy for me to submit, for a lack of a better word, to the authority of my teachers, the police and government. This is a characteristic that is not prevalent in the countless young people of today and with greater consequences among the countless young black American men who have died at the hands of the police. Many of these young men were not sober-minded but emotionally-charged like women. Thing is; in the real world men receive greater punishment than women for the same crimes so for a man to behave like his mother is to be left immensely exposed. Although many of the @Africanindiaspo male children/youth, raised or being raised by single mothers, that I have encountered have not been murdered by the police they too have been very emotionally imbalanced as well as unambitious. It becomes more apparent as to why this is so when you spend time in some of these single mother households and realise how their mothers have speak down to them - something that has happened to them all their lives. Mothers would do such a thing (in order to maintain control over a child who would otherwise end up behaving wildly) without realising how this type of speech could damage that child as a boy/man which is why women need to control how they speak to their spouses/partners. Although my mother tried to do this with me as a child from time to time my father was always there to stop and correct her as well as keep her from dressing me up like a pimp doll. Do you not see this happening? The lack of masculinity in the home has bred the metrosexual/fashionista male. That is not to say that I only needed my father once I got past a certain age - because the presence of my mother in my life taught me many virtues to seek in a future partner. She was also very useful at pleading with my dad to be a bit more merciful when he was too firm. I have found and continue to find that balance to be extremely helpful at producing a man out of a male child.
As I mentioned earlier many young men raised by single mothers are typically unambitious and one benefit I have enjoyed from having my father in my life is accountability – something that the best of mothers usually cannot hold their sons to. Throughout my life (that is from when I was in primary school until I finished university) my father always sat down with me scrutinising every report I brought home, comparing it to the previous one. Although I know that some children, such as Ben Carson, may thrive or have thrived academically without their fathers' input I would venture to say that they are exceptions and not rules. I am not, by any scratch of my imagination, the brightest bulb in the box but I have shined well because my father said I could and also because he expected me to do so.
Also there are many age-appropriate things that fathers push their sons to do which mothers struggle with such as when to fly the nest, become financially independent, etc. And whilst it may be okay to infantilise young women, such behaviour has greater consequences for a young man in the feminised 21st century. I have learned that men thrive when they are obligated to survive and most fathers understand this which is why they challenge their sons to set out just like lions do. We all know that lions live in prides which consist of a few lionesses, a dominant lion and some younger male lions which are typically the offspring of the dominant lion. I say typically offspring because when a lion takes over a pride, it displaces or kills the dominant male and also kills any cubs in order to bring the lionesses into heat. Once the lion has taken over the pride it has to defend the pride from other roaming males and produce its own cubs which when they are taught how to hunt and fight before they are evicted from the pride for them to go and take create or takeover their own.
‘It may take a village to raise
a child but only a man can raise a man out of a young boy’ - @Africanindiaspo
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