A single mother cannot raise a boy to be a man!

I know some people are not going to like this post but I am compelled to write it nonetheless. As always my intent is not to create a divide between men and women but to offer a constructive perspective that can take us forward as @Africanindiaspos.


Some time ago I made the statement that ‘a single mother cannot raise a boy to be a man’ to a group of @Africanindiaspo brothers and sisters and typically as well as understandably got some serious backlash for it. One of the people who sharply disagreed with me was a lady who was and still is a great (single) mother of four children. 'My children are turning out alright', she said, 'I don't need to be with their father for me to raise my sons', she added. Another brother who had an absent father, like many typical African children, also chimed in and added that although he had been pretty much raised by his mother he had turned out okay, thus implying that my statement/conviction was as redundant as UK call centre employees.


I was not (in any way, shape or form) trying to insinuate that single/widowed mothers are intellectually incompetent individuals when it comes to the task of raising male children. Neither was I trying to implicate that the only suitable conditions in which a young boy can become a man are when his parents are happily married or living together. Although that would be ideal for producing stable citizens of tomorrow, it is an unrealistic feat in today's society in which children proudly born out of wedlock and one in which women hold divorce parties. What I was trying to communicate instead was that in the event that a mother has sole custody of her male child following the death of her husband/partner, divorce or a night of passion with a stranger, etc. she needs to ensure her son has a manly male role model who will be an authority over him, disciplining and teaching him how to be a man. Failure to do so will lead to the upbringing of an effeminate, intemperate and indecisive mummy’s boy. Whilst the father of that child is always the best person to be tasked with this responsibility, in my opinion, if he has passed or is disinterested in being involved with his son then a trustworthy/dependable and willing uncle/grandfather is always a good substitute.


Why do I feel this way? Well I could attribute that to my upbringing and the traits I have witnessed amongst the many families and friends I have been acquainted with in my short time on earth. Growing up my father only beat me once whilst my mother, on the other hand, seemed to have a keen interest to make up for him not doing so. However, as much as she did not spare the rod, my father is the one I feared (even as a child) and whenever my mother wanted me to behave all that she had to say was 'I am going to tell Dhedhi (daddy)'. Just the mention of my father would bring any nuisance behaviour to an abrupt end as I understood that this man who loved me as his own could easily kill me. It must have been the depth of his voice or his soberness that made me fear him the most, I don’t know but as they say ‘still waters run deep’. Anyway as I grew older the belt and shamhu (twig) as well as many other weapons of choice employed by mother to correct me stopped to hurt me to the point that I began to even laugh whenever my mother disciplined me. All the while whilst the fear of my father remained. This is not something I was taught to be and yet many of my male friends developed in the very same way.


Whilst this fear/respect of authority as a child seems harsh/abusive to the hippie children of today I believe it was beneficial in my life at ensuring that I lived according to the rules of our home. This in turn has made me a good citizen of society as it is has been easy for me to submit, for a lack of a better word, to the authority of my teachers, the police and government. This is a characteristic that is not prevalent in the countless young people of today and with greater consequences among the countless young black American men who have died at the hands of the police. Many of these young men were not sober-minded but emotionally-charged like women. Thing is; in the real world men receive greater punishment than women for the same crimes so for a man to behave like his mother is to be left immensely exposed. Although many of the @Africanindiaspo male children/youth, raised or being raised by single mothers, that I have encountered have not been murdered by the police they too have been very emotionally imbalanced as well as unambitious. It becomes more apparent as to why this is so when you spend time in some of these single mother households and realise how their mothers have speak down to them - something that has happened to them all their lives. Mothers would do such a thing (in order to maintain control over a child who would otherwise end up behaving wildly) without realising how this type of speech could damage that child as a boy/man which is why women need to control how they speak to their spouses/partners. Although my mother tried to do this with me as a child from time to time my father was always there to stop and correct her as well as keep her from dressing me up like a pimp doll. Do you not see this happening? The lack of masculinity in the home has bred the metrosexual/fashionista male. That is not to say that I only needed my father once I got past a certain age - because the presence of my mother in my life taught me many virtues to seek in a future partner. She was also very useful at pleading with my dad to be a bit more merciful when he was too firm. I have found and continue to find that balance to be extremely helpful at producing a man out of a male child.


As I mentioned earlier many young men raised by single mothers are typically unambitious and one benefit I have enjoyed from having my father in my life is accountability – something that the best of mothers usually cannot hold their sons to. Throughout my life (that is from when I was in primary school until I finished university) my father always sat down with me scrutinising every report I brought home, comparing it to the previous one. Although I know that some children, such as Ben Carson, may thrive or have thrived academically without their fathers' input I would venture to say that they are exceptions and not rules. I am not, by any scratch of my imagination, the brightest bulb in the box but I have shined well because my father said I could and also because he expected me to do so.  


Also there are many age-appropriate things that fathers push their sons to do which mothers struggle with such as when to fly the nest, become financially independent, etc. And whilst it may be okay to infantilise young women, such behaviour has greater consequences for a young man in the feminised 21^st century.  I have learned that men thrive when they are obligated to survive and most fathers understand this which is why they challenge their sons to set out just like lions do. We all know that lions live in prides which consist of a few lionesses, a dominant lion and some younger male lions which are typically the offspring of the dominant lion. I say typically offspring because when a lion takes over a pride, it displaces or kills the dominant male and also kills any cubs in order to bring the lionesses into heat. Once the lion has taken over the pride it has to defend the pride from other roaming males and produce its own cubs which when they are taught how to hunt and fight before they are evicted from the pride for them to go and take create or takeover their own.

 

 

‘It may take a village to raise a child but only a man can raise a man out of a young boy’ - @Africanindiaspo

Why have @Africaindiaspo kids turned away from Christianity? - Part 1

Growing up in the motherland I observed how religion underpinned much of life, from praying before meals, praying before/after travelling to praying and singing at weddings, funerals and of course religious gatherings. Christianity was and still is the widely-held belief in Zimbabwe and the religion I have been exposed to, thus it makes sense for it to be the only one I comment on.

 

As a youngster church attendance was not optional, no. In fact even as a young adult staying at home (here in the diaspora) with my parents it remained a compulsory family ritual to the extent that I felt really bad if I ever missed a Sunday service. One could say I was deeply religious at the time and when people at school asked me what my beliefs were I would often respond, ‘Pentecostal Christian’ without any hesitation at all although my ‘lifestyle’ reflected no semblance of my professed faith. It was only when I got a little older and started to develop my own understanding of life, holding what the bible says against church practices, that I realised not only how hypocritical I was but also how overwhelmingly hypocritical the majority of @Africanindiaspo Christians and churches were. I realised then why Christianity did not appeal to me and many of the @Africanindiaspos who were my age at the time.

 

You see children in Africa, just like African adults interact with national politicians; do not ask any questions that challenge the status quo as such insubordination can lead to serious disciplinary action. Consequentially, African children (and in some instances adults) typically do not appear to have minds of their own, that is how a grown man’s parents can influence him to leave his spouse for another more suitable/subservient woman – a woman they prefer really. Am I lying? Au contraire (on the contrary), western and @Africanindiaspo children raised in the diaspora are taught to question everything that they are taught by their parents, although they never seem to question the evolutionary theories and propagandised fallacies drummed into their heads from a young age. I personally feel a balance is critical but where is Kermit when you need him?

 

Nonetheless this critical mind-set of @Africanindiaspo children is something that many parents have not made adjustments to accommodate. Whilst many of us who grew up as Christians in the Motherland found it easy to believe that Jesus was born of a virgin mother, was the Son of God and that He resurrected from the dead, these are facts that your typical @Africanindiaspo descendant just cannot understand (How I could just kill a man, lol). The lack of empirical evidence combined with the fact that it just doesn’t sound plausible makes the bible/anything written in it sound like folklore. I suppose faith is difficult to possess when you have never needed to trust God for your next meal or the healing of a loved one, only the national health system and evolutionary theories (not facts) from a man just like you and I.

 

Whilst the factors mentioned above are worthy of consideration, I believe hypocrisy is really the stroke that breaks the camel’s backs for most children and for the purpose of this post I will stick to hypocrisy in the home. I have found Christianity amongst @Africanindiaspos and even amongst our brothers and sisters in the Motherland to be centred primarily on church and/or bible study attendance and long prayers which are preferably made in incomprehensible tongues. Insofar as these conditions are met one is considered a bona fide believer worthy of much commendation in the church. Oh silly me I forgot to mention that they must give their tithe faithfully, of course, lest they attract a curse from God then they are a bona fide, hell-raising Christian. Of course it does not matter how this believer conducts him/herself in their home and this is when the stumbling block for children is mounted in my opinion.

 

Many faithless @Africanindiaspos youths struggle to reconcile bible verses of how men should love their wives and be patient with them when their church-esteemed fathers are drunkards, overbearing, money-hungry, short-tempered and even at times physically abusive to their mothers. Even worse some struggle to understand how their fathers can be observed as elders/deacons in the church when they are players, yes some of these men even engage in adulterous affairs, despite public knowledge of their deeds. In other instances some youths also fail to reconcile their mothers’ inabilities to submit to their fathers or their strong-willed behaviour against them with the verses in the bible about how women should respect and submit to their husbands and should love and raise their children. This is especially true as many of these children often feel neglected by the very same church uniform-wearing mothers who possess very little dignity and are serious gossips and slanderers, etc.

 

My dear reader, if you have been around @Africanindiaspo families, have you seen parents treating their children with the love, gentleness and kindness (that the bible they believe teaches)? In my experience, I have not seen this; instead I have seen parents relentlessly shaming their children and stripping them of all dignity - even in front of people. This does not win souls, it destroys and hardens hearts. According to the bible that I grew up being taught to believe the family (children) is the second, most important institution for mankind after marriage. Therefore, before @Africanindiaspos who believe in Jesus tout their religion to their ‘lost’ Western friends, how about they take the bible seriously and authenticate its message by actually living out what they believe and raise children who are convinced of their fruit. How about they teach their children the word and pray with them every day rather than leaving that responsibility to the Sunday school teachers. I think that only after doing that can any good news they have make sense to anyone else.

 

Hopefully in Part 2 of this post I will focus on the hypocrisy of the church, which according to the bible is the 3^rd most important institution for mankind, and how the hypocrisy that exists in it contributes to these ‘wayward’ children that many @Africanindiaspo parents are ashamed of.

 

Until then, let us share let us grow!

 

‘Children are the mirrors of the homes, communities and societies they are nurtured or abandoned in’ - @Africanindiaspo

Zimbabwean child swears at his mother, is he to blame?

Recently there has been a viral video (link to video: http://nehandatv.com/2015/06/07/spoilt-rotten-zimbo-kid-cursing-at-parent) making the circles of social media of a young black boy with a Zimbabwean mother it seems, and he was going off at her as well as his aunt for calling him into the house when he still wanted to be out playing with his friends late into the night. I understand that I am a little late to the ‘trending’ party but I feel as though I should express my opinion about this video as it is closer to home (being that I am Zimbabwean myself). I believe it is an incident many of us can take lessons from as it could easily become a recurrent theme amongst the @Africanindiaspo communities though I feel it is already more common than people care to believe.

 

Off the bat I must ask the questions, who recorded that video and why? How did it go from the device it was recorded on to being viral? There were two adult women who were present in that predicament and one of them recorded the debased ordeal. I find that disgusting and that should be more shocking to everyone who watches the video than any behaviour that the child displayed.

 

I believe that a child’s behaviour is mostly reflective of the upbringing and instruction he/she has had. Of course children are innately mischievous and that cannot be helped but not to the extent displayed by that little boy. Did anyone notice that as he was cursing out (and having his little tantrum) he was actually playing on an iPhone? I have found this to be a common trend amongst both African and British parents here in the UK - that is to give their children unfettered access to the internet. The diaspora-born child of your typical @Africanindiaspo is bombarded with sexual images from birth on TV and hears all sorts of explicit words in public, to give them unrestricted access to the internet at a tender age is to pour fuel to the fire. That means pornography and even more debased language is a click of a button away and many parents are making this mistake. I do not believe it is intentional but it is being made all the same. The problem is exacerbated by the fact that many @Africanindiaspo parents do not sit down with their kids to find out what is going on in their minds so they can deconstruct any build-up of western beliefs or ideas. Your typical @Africanindiaspo actually raises their child as though they were in Africa where there is very little swearing and sexualisation of men and women in the mainstream media and society. It is no wonder that even our religious beliefs are no longer palatable to children being born and raised in the diaspora, we are not taking the time to find out where they are at.

 

Another weird but prevalent phenomenon common amongst many of the @Africanindiaspo is this deep-seeded inferiority complex whereby many African parents are really proud to have their kids as removed from African culture as possible. Many love the fact that their child cannot speak their native language (which they never bothered to teach the child) and are even more elated to say things like ‘my child is the only black child at his/her school’. No word of a lie. It is no wonder then that children such as that young boy end up saying they have no affiliations with the motherland as they identify it as archaic and disease-ridden - just as the propagandised images show Africa to be.

 

There are serious conflicting thoughts going on in the minds of descendants of any @Africanindiaspo. At one juncture they are exposed to African values and culture with relatives and within religious communities which their parents do not teach them to value on a daily basis, at another juncture they are exposed to extreme Western ideologies and behaviours on a more consistent basis (i.e. in school and with friends) which their parents do not want them to fully adapt once more. It seems the Western ways typically prevail as these kids end up being more extreme than their Western counterparts due to their desperate need to receive approval within at least one group of people. @Africanindiaspo parents end up extremely disillusioned as their children become rebellious and they genuinely wonder why.

 

I must express this to my beloved @Africanindiaspo brothers and sisters living in the UK - if it possible for you to pay a little more in rental premiums or spend more on a mortgage to live in a safer neighbourhood then please do so if you have children. Whilst high-density urban areas in Africa are populated with well-mannered and responsible people, in the UK areas with cheaper accommodation are often populated with rough and substance-abusing individuals who often raise poor-mannered children which will inevitably school with your children and possibly be their friends.

 

Now this is where I turn into a chauvinist I suppose by asking where is the father of this boy? Where are the fathers of many of the children of @Africanindiaspo mothers? It seems many of my beloved sisters have traded the truth that ‘it takes a village to raise a child’ for the lie that ‘girls run the world’. Sisters you cannot raise children, especially sons, without the presence of a male authoritarian figure. As a child growing up whenever I misbehaved my mother would say ‘I am going to tell your father’, and that would calm me right down. In the absence of a father, sisters please have brothers in your lives to have that influence over your sons and daughters. It will do more good than harm.

 

Finally, to the woman who called the ordeal with that child nonsense, you are the problem with children growing up in the diaspora. You did not diffuse the situation, you worsened it and you are the reason many children are embittered with their parents.

 

Until next time beloved, let us share, let us grow.

 

‘Children’s behaviours and attitudes are like mirrors that reflect the investment or lack thereof made into their lives by those charged with their guardianship’ - @Africanindiaspo