Sisters, men are not projects!

The other day I was talking to a dear friend of mine and she mentioned how she wanted to introduce one of her friends (let’s call her Pauline) to a mutual friend of ours (let’s call him Frank) in the hopes that they would possibly get along and form a relationship of some sort. Whilst Frank is a likeable guy I disagreed with her doing such a thing. The thing is Frank likes to party and drink whilst Pauline is a quiet and homely girl; I just felt it would lead to a miserable existence for her – wondering where her man/husband was in the middle of the night and whether he was safe or not etc. My friend did not see things my way though, she continued to say people can change and maybe she can be the catalyst for him becoming a different man.


Whilst I felt it was an irresponsible statement to utter, it is not the first time I have heard such a thing. In fact I have had several conversations with precious @Africanindiaspo sisters in which I have heard them speak of how they can or have changed a man and made him who he is today i.e. from being a bad boy (like P. Diddy). Ironically the majority of  these sisters or those with similar attitudes towards men are typically single as they tend to have broken up with the very men they 'created'. They also never seem to be able to make another man as great as the one they previously fashioned and this begs the question, was it all you? It reminds me of a time when I heard of a guy saying that he made Jay-Z as he taught him all he needed to know in order to be a star, and Jay-Z aptly responded in a song by saying something to the effect of, 'I heard some people saying they made Jay-Z, ok so make another Hov'. Simply put he was saying that if you are responsible for me being who I am then make another person as great as I am and it seems that the people referred to in those lyrics have not been able to respond to that remark/challenge.


I digressed a little but I genuinely do not understand why sisters (or women at large) think that men are projects that only they (as specific individuals) can restore from being shattered to being whole. Men do not think that way about women at all. I am sure you have heard the old saying that says ‘you cannot turn a certain type of woman into a housewife’. Men seem to have such deep respect for this profound hip hop philosophical truth. Brothers understand that you cannot change a human being, that you can get them to make a conscious effort to modify their behaviour when you are pursuing each other yes, but when the debris settles and the dust gets swept off the true colours will come out. Unlike women, men will go for the end product always, never the raw materials when seeking a mate to settle down with. That is why you will see the guy who has had his time in the clubs go to church to look for a 'good girl' that sings in the choir when he is considering marriage. On the contrary sisters will leave the choir brothers in the church and look to find that drunkard (such as Frank) in order to make him a choir boy? Haha that is it, that is exactly what sisters do (or at least want to do) and men, being crafty, typically play along until they get what they want; either marriage or just a thrill and then boom the raw material that looked as though it had been transformed into a sparkly finished product reverts back to being a drunkard. It is the weirdest phenomenon; you men should be ashamed of yourselves for doing that. You opportunists you!

As a simple and unsophisticated man I do not know what super powers sisters think that they have that can change a man’s nature. I do not think that Pauline can change someone like Frank - she should not even try. It is a waste of time as the relationship will only end in the future with years wasted and tears shed. Whilst some may think that Pauline could be successful at manufacturing Frank and that if she is not she will learn from the experience, I am a traditionalist who does not believe in casual dating but rather in courtship and marriage. This is largely due to the fact that knowing my luck I will one day have eight daughters and do not want them to go through the motions of emotional and psychological trauma that comes from casual dating. I do not want any sons I may have to be the cause of the emotional pain of other men's princesses either. Certain experiences cannot be recovered from, such as abuse, breach of trust or contracting HIV. I mean even businesses try to minimise risks as much as possible.


I see life partners like houses - which person in their right mind would buy a dilapidated house on which to carry out renovations when they cannot hire a builder and cannot fix the house themselves when they could just as easily buy a house in great condition that only requires the rooms to be painted different colours? In the first instance you have a house with so many issues that cannot be fixed even if you deplete all of your financial resources to try to do so. In the second instance you have a house that requires minimal work. A responsible individual would invest their time and resources acquiring the second type of house I am sure. I would imagine a similar decision-making framework would be highly appropriate for choosing a mate, life is hard under the best conditions; there is no need to complicate it by pairing yourself with someone who will cause you strain with no end.


My @Africanindiaspo sisters if you really want projects/challenges I encourage you to take up knitting or crocheting and make blankets, scarves, etc. Do not entangle yourselves in difficult relationships and marriages to bad boys when you are in your prime/youth only to find yourselves alone and/with children in your late 30s wondering where all the good men are. Most of them would have moved on and the rest would not be interested in broken/used goods. That's just the way it is, some things will never change, oh yeah.

It is usually said that good guys finish last, that is not true. It is in fact the good girls that deal with bad boys that finish last in the end’ - @Africanindiaspo

 

2015 the age of the mindless fashionistas and inexperienced philosophers

I was on the bus the other day, minding my own business, when from the corner of my eye I saw something that crushed my heart. I saw a young black male wearing the tightest pair of jeans I have ever seen on a man and it struck me – this is our future.

 

You see growing up in Africa fashion was not something that men expended too many efforts on. No! Men were more consumed with discussing politics, pursuing education (through books and academic institutions) as well as working hard to provide for extended families. My friends and I never seemed to care much about fashion either whilst growing up in these societies. Yes we liked to have the latest basketball sneakers and some cool clothes for the times we would go and hang out at the malls but our ultimate goals were to exhibit prowess on the sports fields whether it was playing rugby, soccer, basketball, cricket, etc. We were also under immense pressure from our parents to obtain good grades and pursue high-flying careers in the corporate world which many of us have done as much as opportunity was afforded to us.

 

This does not seem to be the mind-set of my many dear young black brothers over here in the diaspora; they are typically not focused on their academics and are quite effeminate. I wish I could say exactly why things are so. It might be partly because many of them were latch-key kids, i.e. they stayed at home alone whilst their parents were at work and thus did not have much supervision and/or instruction. They are the generation that has raised itself (hmm sounds like another post idea). I digress. Perhaps it is because their parents have not held them to account because they did not directly pay for any of the education they received – primary and secondary education is free in the United Kingdom you see.

 

Young black immigrant males seem to be focused on fashion instead, these young men are all about the Versace (Versace!) and it is when you engage them in conversation that you realise that they have very little to talk about, they do not have independent minds or opinions about much of what affects their existence. Similarly, although women are expected to take greater care in their appearance than men as such have been the societal norms since times past, many young black women in the diaspora seem to have all become fashion bloggers very suddenly and without much notice. They too are typically mentally shallow and devoid of any aspirations to learn and develop their mind or soul. They have that weave on fleek though (LOL I’m just a hater).

 

The advent of low-cost good-quality retailers such as Primark has allowed individuals to be photo-shoot fresh on a daily basis and at very low costs for that matter. This has given many of our young men and women the confidence to be professional outfit co-ordinators on social media and some have earned decent money from it too – hats off to them (no pun intended). However, they have not invested in their minds thus the title – mindless fashionistas. Many of the values, morals and culture that formed responsible adults out of the Africans born in the 80s and beyond have evaded this generation of mindless fashionistas and yet they seem to have dual careers. They are also part-time philosophers.

 

Yes my dear @Africanindiaspo the emergent generation of young adults from the motherland living in the diaspora, with their very little life experience and even fewer achievements except maybe losing some excess weight, is unapologetically philosophical. They will get behind a camera and teach their age mates about how important it is for them to be happy at any cost. Although they have done absolutely nothing to better themselves as individuals they will post or watch videos on the type of guy that they should have and how he ought to treat them (entitlement?). I mean the other day I stumbled upon one such video, a young black lady was teaching others about how it is important to not be worried about your boyfriend leaving a mess in the house and how women should suppress their natural inclination to have a tidy house, etc. This particular young lady has even more videos on self-confidence. She cannot be more than 25 years old and here she is spewing ‘wisdom’ to young impressionable girls who are the future of tomorrow. All I could think is how simple and idealistic the minds of our brothers and sisters are being programmed to become by people who still have milk on their noses (they are yet to discover what life is all about as they are still babies).

 

Now I myself am not that old and I do not by any means wish to give off the impression that I have full knowledge about life, ha that would be the biggest lie ever told. However, I have come to appreciate the wisdom that lies in the grey hairs of those older than me and wish that my young brothers and sisters could put their interest in fashion and philosophy aside and sit at the feet of their parents, older relatives or any other mature adults they have access to.

 

Perhaps I am not hip to the times? Perhaps I am bitter because I am not fashionable but how about the typical @Africanindiaspo looks to have their brain and knowledge of self on fleek more than they seek to look good and babble about life which they know nothing of. After all it used to be intellectuals that used to philosophise in times gone by.

 

Until next time, let us share let us grow.

‘The youth of today must acknowledge that they are the future of tomorrow and must therefore hold themselves to serious account for their deeds and misdeeds’ - @Africanindiaspo